I don’t understand

A note before starting this post: I don’t mean to catch anyone’s attention with these posts I write, I just want to speak out what’s in my mind and hope someone who can understand me read it and answer it, one who really can see the world from same view I see…

I don’t understand why world is this way, why it does not show us a good way and why live if everything is fucked up?

Let me first ask a question: What’s the point of living?

Being a kid, studying, get a job, get a wife, leave some kid, die. Ah! what a boring pattern.

I know you may say that’s the pattern but the events in each step make the life fun and I think you are right, but by saying that I want to point you to something else: “Quality”

My problem is about the quality of life, I’ve no problem with being a kid and then study, but how you spend your childhood and then how you study, which school and university and with how much support or when you want to get a job, what kind of job is it? Why you work? To live or just to stay alive?

I Believe when you reach the point that you just work to stay alive and enjoy nothing, that life is worthless and should be finished ASAP!

I don’t take life so hard, I don’t say if you don’t have an unlimited source of money go kill yourself but I say when EVERYTHING become against you, your life is useless and…

Now I’ve reached that point, I see no good in my life, not a 100% bad but mostly…

I’ve some good in my life like having a good mother and sister, like having good cyber friends but after that comes stuff that under their beneath all the goods in my life disappear, stuff that makes you give up your life and start flirting with suicide.

I don’t think it’s needed to go into details what make me feel that way as I said some of them before in older posts and you may know about some others by knowing me personally.

I know I won’t last more than 40 years old by all the health problem I have if my heart don’t give up any sooner under all the emotional/mental pressures, starting each day with 4 different essential meds and dealing with their effect whole day, good thing is that it will make my project easy, stop them or overdoes and POOF! Whatever! I want to say something else, I want to say if I’m going to have such a short life, what’s the point in fighting for it? 23 years of it is gone and rarely I enjoyed parts of it and now what I’ve ahead, all dark and by processing current situation we see that I will have no good in my future too,  so why hurt myself and not finish it a few sooner?

At most I will live 10-15 or 20 more years since today (if nothing unexpected happen and stop it sooner, Amen!) and I know I will not have any good in those years, the best and the best I have may be a very normal life (a basic income enough for not dying from hunger and enough to rent a small house) so what’s the point in keeping it? Does it really worth fighting?

Every morning that I wake up I say “Damn, again I woke up, I should live one more day”, why? because I’m even that wake that don’t dare to get rid of myself and I’m waiting something or someone else get my life, everyday when I see my favorites things and person I hate myself more that I cannot have them, everything when I go to bed I dream of my ideal life and then wish it will be last time I’m dreaming and it would finish.

When you are sad, moody, down or whatever, you don’t hurt only yourself, but you hurt others too, no matter how hard you try to hide it, they will find out and you will ruin their good day too, so stay away, I realized that myself when my classmates keep asking what’s wrong with me, so keep your problems for yourself, don’t hurt your friends with that.

Have a good life
-Omid

I want to say something

I want to say something but I don’t know what, I want to talk, I want to speak but to no one, I want to express myself but no word is capable of doing that, I want to say whatever that comes to my mind but no ear can listen, I know there are people who are willing to help and offer me to listen to me but…

Does everyone have to listen to my complains? Complaining about everything and everyone, Do they have to listen to my words when you realize those are absolute nonsense, Yeah really nonsense because there are no thinking behind those words, those are just something to be said…

I am (or at least I’ve been, but I am) one who don’t care about gender of my friends, boys and girls are same for me, I don’t care about their age, even in some case I prefer old ones to youngers since old people most of the times are more wise, I am kind of person who don’t care how reach or poor is my friend, I just care about their culture and how they behave, I care about their manners, but after-all it seems I did something wrong here as I realized that after 23 years living on this earth I’ve only 1-2 friends (out of cyber) who care about my existence and my dead of alive may have some difference for him.

Often people ask me why I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t know why it matters for them but here I will try to answer them. In fact I do NOT hate girls, I like them, they are beautiful and sometimes kind, and a better ear and shoulder for some special topics where no boy can help, a good girl can color-up a life very well and help you in emotional moments, but… there are an important BUT here, a bad girl (or even just a not good one) can ruin your life worse than a Nuke!

As stated above, boys and girls are same for me when it comes to a friendship and I never avoided a friendship because that person is a girl or boy, or being ‘nicer’ to one because of the gender, and I never tried to start a connection to a one because she is a girl (and often I don’t do for boys too), I’ve my own life and I let the friendships to happen all by sudden. In my life I’ve seen girls that I deadly liked and dreamed how awesome it could be if she was mine but I never went ahead because I had nothing that match them so our friendship would be waste of time for her and I did not want it for her.

Don’t call me selfish, but in a friendship I look for ‘benefits’ too, not economic and I even avoid that my friendship cost anything for anyone, but I expect at least one good in that friendship, either boy or girl friend, one friend has good for education, one help with life events, one help have a good time, one is good at helping manage emotional moments, one is a good co-worker one is good at special skills like medicine or mechanic etc… and I don’t like those that just waste our time and money, Is that selfish?

Over the last 4-5 years I heard another thing about myself from people and it was that they complain I’m a very low-profile person and my life is a mystery for them, here I say they are wrong indeed, I don’t hide much about my life, if I’ve nothing to say its not that I’m hiding anything, its that my life is very simple, every day is same and not much ‘event’ to talk about.

 

I think that’s enough for now, Will write much more later in next post(s).

 

Have a good times!
-Omid

Not suicide, just taking life easy

I’m not going jump off from the tower, I’m not going to overdoes any drug, I’m not going to cut my Wrist, I’m not going to drive high speed against a wall without seatbelt (but I’ve to claim that’s fun if do it with a good music!), I’m not going to burn myself with gasoline, not drowning too, I’m not going to turn on my car in the garage with the doors closed, I’m not going to headshot myself (I don’t have a gun), I’m not going to lock myself in a very cold place, I’m not going to hug a high voltage wire, not hanging myself too, I’m not going to jump in front of metro, train or a car in highway...! no! I’m not going to suicide!

From day to day lots of dreams comes to our minds, good and bad, happy and sad, some fantasy and some imagination, some questions and some ideas and lots of other... well..., I think I’m a human too so some stuff spin around my head too, they never end, they go unanswered and still new ones comes to the list.

So, let me share one of them with you, questions are related to each other, so don’t take just one and judge:

What if I take life easier and don’t go to work anymore? Yeah it will mean no more income, so I would not have money for internet, food, meds, entertainment etc.

What if I take life easier and stop my course? Nothing will happen, even it will have some good that I don’t want to say here now.

What if I take life easier and don’t pay for my internet? It will be boring at first, but I think I will get used to it.

What if I take life easier and don’t take meds anymore? I don’t think if I will die quickly, but I don’t leave ugly after a heart-attack / apoplexy, so I would rather die after stopping meds rather than heart-attack!

What if I take life easier and don’t go to shop anymore? Yeah I will run out of food and most likely die because of hunger.

What if I take life easier and don’t afraid of death? Life will be happier, some may think I’ve become crazy, I don’t mind

So what if I die? It has pros and cons!

--Pros: I would not have to take anymore s*** in my life, I would not have anymore problem, my family and friends would not have to listen to my complains anymore, I would not live with the wishes that I never can accomplish, one less person wasting oxygen in the world, less food is being eaten in the world, my family can throw out my stuff and they will have more space!

--Cons: I cannot think of any, maybe my family and some friends will miss me for a few days, but “Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear” so time will heal this one.

These are part of the stuff that comes into my mind and go, some come back and some not, Some of them are always by me, when I’m walking alone and listening music, when I’m having shower, when I’m in class, when I’m in bed, when I’m doing homework, when I’m having dinner, when watching a movie... and they bother doing my everyday task, I try to get rid of them but they don’t want to go away, specially after every failure they get worse, but I will find a workaround for it.

Anyway whatever I said here is just some stuff around my head, not an announcement.

 

Johnny Cash - Hurt

No, This is not a love song

Did you ever try hard to reach someone and when you did you find your mouth shut? I did several times and it drive me crazy!

That’s not a nice feeling and I don’t know what’s the reason of this weakness, I hope its not what I think it may be.

Well, “Low Self-Esteem” can be one of the reasons, But self-esteem itself can be affected by many other factors like environment, economic situation, personal factors like ‘culture’ or ‘look’, social position, education, intelligence, health etc.…

Ok lets keep it simple and don’t go into complicated topics, I will try to show the situation from another view: How does it come that sometimes in meeting with some ‘common’ people we (or at least I) feel extremely weak? Where I count the seconds for the meeting and when I reach the meeting I found no word to talk about and waste the time… When it happens I wish I could go live on a planet that there are no other human to get rid of this feeling and don’t get into this again.

Excuse me if this post looks fragmented and changing from a subject to another, its because I don’t know how to change what’s on my mind into text, I’m writing whatever that comes into my mind at the moment, hope it will stay clear…

I don’t know what’s wrong and what’s normal now, I don’t know what I’m doing right and what wrong, I don’t know what to do, but I know this way I will end up in madhouse!

When I’m alone I feel fine, I’m stay away from troubles and many pressures, that’s good, but from time to time I will feel some ‘gap’ and recently its going to hurt more, ruining all my days and I want to stop it, I’ve enough trouble and don’t need new ones…

Well, I will finish this post here because I don’t know if I continue it where it will go.

 

I’ve some new toys

Hey Guys!

Last month has been a good one for me, I could get some new toys for myself and that’s good, I’ve not completed my todo list (or shopping list), but some important one is done.

Here is some of them:

• A new phone: HTC Wildfire S, I like it, not a very powerful one but its doing the job I need, let me access my messenger and emails and also have my dropbox and evernote with myself.
• A new multifunction printer: HP OfficeJet 4500 Wireless, it looks good, not a speedy printer or professional quality prints, but it connects wirelessly to my router and everyone at home can use it for scan/print/copy or fax.
• A new external DVD-writer: Not best choice I had, but I did, a portable Samsung DVD-Writer, I think a non-portable could be a better choice, but now I’ve bought it and gonna see how it works!
• A new USB Hub: D-Link 7-Port USB Hub, really these days 4 USB port is not enough and this one has been something essential for me, now I can connect all my stuff in same time! (music player, external hard drive, external DVD-RW, phone etc)

Yeah, those are some of the my new toys, but in the future I will be looking for a new monitor, an external sound card and some other gadgets, Do you have any suggestion which model and brand is best? Let me know!

Have fun guys!

I need your help for PayPal

Hi People!

I need your help for restoring my PayPal account, as of Jan 2011 PayPal has limited my account and asking me verify some stuff which right now I cannot, Do you have any idea what I can do for this?

Click on image to see full size:

As you see in the image, its asking me for a Photo ID and proof of address, Since I live somewhere of world that is affected by US Embargo law either of documents I send to them will be rejected and also result in blocking my account, so, Does any of you have an idea what I can do for this? every single idea from you will be welcome, share your ideas in the comments blow or send them to me via “Contact Me” link above this page.

Gout, Hypothyroid+, High BP and Bad Liver

Today morning I had a meeting with my doctor, giving him test results I had taken last week. Good and bad news here.

High Uric Acid beside High Triglycerides, High Total Cholesterol, High LDL and very low HDL is part of the stuff in the result.

In this test high Uric Acid is something new beside old problems, I’ve no idea what could be reason because I don’t takes that much meat or alcohol, but one of my BP meds could be the reason (Diuretics Meds, Read here how it can affect).

Therefore now officially I’ve Gout, Hypothyroid+, High BP and a bad liver plus lots of fat in my blood.

Today after resting about 10 minutes in doctor’s room my BP was 160/90 even that I have had taken my meds, so my doctor decide that I should take my BP meds x2, a new med (Allopurinol) is added to my everyday list too and its for high Uric Acid I have.

Good news is that my Hypothyroid+ is controlled by meds and test says with current meds all is good, also my Liver is not changed, yet not normal level of stuff, but not a big problem and don’t need any treatment.