Sometimes hate is not enough

I don’t know where to begin, Let’s get help from my friends and start by answering them.

2 friends told me that I’m only talking of negative in my life and then asked me about positive things in my life, ok, that’s a fair question, but need some thinking to find if there are something positive.

Maybe I’m missing many stuff, but I can recall that I have good cyber friends in my life which seems they care about me and it’s a good thing, maybe not all of them are who they claim to be but I’ve some good friends between them. I have a kind mother and a sister, I have a father, even though I have some words about my family. I’ve never been left hungry like the kids in Africa or I’ve never been attacked physically by my family, these are good things, see…! I tried to see positive things in my life.

Ok, so what? Enough to reason to live? I don’t think so, I’ve stronger reason for denying that. Did you ever lost anything in you life? how matter it was for you? How many times you failed in your life? Passing more than half of your life with no good, having no hope for your future, fighting with yourself without any result, loosing all the chances in your life, becoming boring for your best friends, disappointing everyone, watching yourself going down, what’s this? I think accepting it is not wise, hurting self…

People try to help me, but it hurts me when I see how they show love and I disappoint them, I see my friend’s wife tell me that I’m their only friend and when I look at myself I see what a boring and useless friend they have, sad for those who I’m their only friend.

And when you want the best and you get the worst, when you want to be an idealist and your ideal get lower and lower, and when you imagine a bright future for yourself and you end up in… What’s that? Life? pfffff……………..

Marilyn Manson – No Reflection

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I don’t understand

A note before starting this post: I don’t mean to catch anyone’s attention with these posts I write, I just want to speak out what’s in my mind and hope someone who can understand me read it and answer it, one who really can see the world from same view I see…

I don’t understand why world is this way, why it does not show us a good way and why live if everything is fucked up?

Let me first ask a question: What’s the point of living?

Being a kid, studying, get a job, get a wife, leave some kid, die. Ah! what a boring pattern.

I know you may say that’s the pattern but the events in each step make the life fun and I think you are right, but by saying that I want to point you to something else: “Quality”

My problem is about the quality of life, I’ve no problem with being a kid and then study, but how you spend your childhood and then how you study, which school and university and with how much support or when you want to get a job, what kind of job is it? Why you work? To live or just to stay alive?

I Believe when you reach the point that you just work to stay alive and enjoy nothing, that life is worthless and should be finished ASAP!

I don’t take life so hard, I don’t say if you don’t have an unlimited source of money go kill yourself but I say when EVERYTHING become against you, your life is useless and…

Now I’ve reached that point, I see no good in my life, not a 100% bad but mostly…

I’ve some good in my life like having a good mother and sister, like having good cyber friends but after that comes stuff that under their beneath all the goods in my life disappear, stuff that makes you give up your life and start flirting with suicide.

I don’t think it’s needed to go into details what make me feel that way as I said some of them before in older posts and you may know about some others by knowing me personally.

I know I won’t last more than 40 years old by all the health problem I have if my heart don’t give up any sooner under all the emotional/mental pressures, starting each day with 4 different essential meds and dealing with their effect whole day, good thing is that it will make my project easy, stop them or overdoes and POOF! Whatever! I want to say something else, I want to say if I’m going to have such a short life, what’s the point in fighting for it? 23 years of it is gone and rarely I enjoyed parts of it and now what I’ve ahead, all dark and by processing current situation we see that I will have no good in my future too,  so why hurt myself and not finish it a few sooner?

At most I will live 10-15 or 20 more years since today (if nothing unexpected happen and stop it sooner, Amen!) and I know I will not have any good in those years, the best and the best I have may be a very normal life (a basic income enough for not dying from hunger and enough to rent a small house) so what’s the point in keeping it? Does it really worth fighting?

Every morning that I wake up I say “Damn, again I woke up, I should live one more day”, why? because I’m even that wake that don’t dare to get rid of myself and I’m waiting something or someone else get my life, everyday when I see my favorites things and person I hate myself more that I cannot have them, everything when I go to bed I dream of my ideal life and then wish it will be last time I’m dreaming and it would finish.

When you are sad, moody, down or whatever, you don’t hurt only yourself, but you hurt others too, no matter how hard you try to hide it, they will find out and you will ruin their good day too, so stay away, I realized that myself when my classmates keep asking what’s wrong with me, so keep your problems for yourself, don’t hurt your friends with that.

Have a good life
-Omid

I want to say something

I want to say something but I don’t know what, I want to talk, I want to speak but to no one, I want to express myself but no word is capable of doing that, I want to say whatever that comes to my mind but no ear can listen, I know there are people who are willing to help and offer me to listen to me but…

Does everyone have to listen to my complains? Complaining about everything and everyone, Do they have to listen to my words when you realize those are absolute nonsense, Yeah really nonsense because there are no thinking behind those words, those are just something to be said…

I am (or at least I’ve been, but I am) one who don’t care about gender of my friends, boys and girls are same for me, I don’t care about their age, even in some case I prefer old ones to youngers since old people most of the times are more wise, I am kind of person who don’t care how reach or poor is my friend, I just care about their culture and how they behave, I care about their manners, but after-all it seems I did something wrong here as I realized that after 23 years living on this earth I’ve only 1-2 friends (out of cyber) who care about my existence and my dead of alive may have some difference for him.

Often people ask me why I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t know why it matters for them but here I will try to answer them. In fact I do NOT hate girls, I like them, they are beautiful and sometimes kind, and a better ear and shoulder for some special topics where no boy can help, a good girl can color-up a life very well and help you in emotional moments, but… there are an important BUT here, a bad girl (or even just a not good one) can ruin your life worse than a Nuke!

As stated above, boys and girls are same for me when it comes to a friendship and I never avoided a friendship because that person is a girl or boy, or being ‘nicer’ to one because of the gender, and I never tried to start a connection to a one because she is a girl (and often I don’t do for boys too), I’ve my own life and I let the friendships to happen all by sudden. In my life I’ve seen girls that I deadly liked and dreamed how awesome it could be if she was mine but I never went ahead because I had nothing that match them so our friendship would be waste of time for her and I did not want it for her.

Don’t call me selfish, but in a friendship I look for ‘benefits’ too, not economic and I even avoid that my friendship cost anything for anyone, but I expect at least one good in that friendship, either boy or girl friend, one friend has good for education, one help with life events, one help have a good time, one is good at helping manage emotional moments, one is a good co-worker one is good at special skills like medicine or mechanic etc… and I don’t like those that just waste our time and money, Is that selfish?

Over the last 4-5 years I heard another thing about myself from people and it was that they complain I’m a very low-profile person and my life is a mystery for them, here I say they are wrong indeed, I don’t hide much about my life, if I’ve nothing to say its not that I’m hiding anything, its that my life is very simple, every day is same and not much ‘event’ to talk about.

 

I think that’s enough for now, Will write much more later in next post(s).

 

Have a good times!
-Omid

Not suicide, just taking life easy

I’m not going jump off from the tower, I’m not going to overdoes any drug, I’m not going to cut my Wrist, I’m not going to drive high speed against a wall without seatbelt (but I’ve to claim that’s fun if do it with a good music!), I’m not going to burn myself with gasoline, not drowning too, I’m not going to turn on my car in the garage with the doors closed, I’m not going to headshot myself (I don’t have a gun), I’m not going to lock myself in a very cold place, I’m not going to hug a high voltage wire, not hanging myself too, I’m not going to jump in front of metro, train or a car in highway…! no! I’m not going to suicide!

From day to day lots of dreams comes to our minds, good and bad, happy and sad, some fantasy and some imagination, some questions and some ideas and lots of other… well…, I think I’m a human too so some stuff spin around my head too, they never end, they go unanswered and still new ones comes to the list.

So, let me share one of them with you, questions are related to each other, so don’t take just one and judge:

What if I take life easier and don’t go to work anymore? Yeah it will mean no more income, so I would not have money for internet, food, meds, entertainment etc.

What if I take life easier and stop my course? Nothing will happen, even it will have some good that I don’t want to say here now.

What if I take life easier and don’t pay for my internet? It will be boring at first, but I think I will get used to it.

What if I take life easier and don’t take meds anymore? I don’t think if I will die quickly, but I don’t leave ugly after a heart-attack / apoplexy, so I would rather die after stopping meds rather than heart-attack!

What if I take life easier and don’t go to shop anymore? Yeah I will run out of food and most likely die because of hunger.

What if I take life easier and don’t afraid of death? Life will be happier, some may think I’ve become crazy, I don’t mind

So what if I die? It has pros and cons!

–Pros: I would not have to take anymore s*** in my life, I would not have anymore problem, my family and friends would not have to listen to my complains anymore, I would not live with the wishes that I never can accomplish, one less person wasting oxygen in the world, less food is being eaten in the world, my family can throw out my stuff and they will have more space!

–Cons: I cannot think of any, maybe my family and some friends will miss me for a few days, but “Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear” so time will heal this one.

These are part of the stuff that comes into my mind and go, some come back and some not, Some of them are always by me, when I’m walking alone and listening music, when I’m having shower, when I’m in class, when I’m in bed, when I’m doing homework, when I’m having dinner, when watching a movie… and they bother doing my everyday task, I try to get rid of them but they don’t want to go away, specially after every failure they get worse, but I will find a workaround for it.

Anyway whatever I said here is just some stuff around my head, not an announcement.

Johnny Cash Hurt

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