My life

I don’t understand

A note before starting this post: I don’t mean to catch anyone’s attention with these posts I write, I just want to speak out what’s in my mind and hope someone who can understand me read it and answer it, one who really can see the world from same view I see…

I don’t understand why world is this way, why it does not show us a good way and why live if everything is fucked up?

Let me first ask a question: What’s the point of living?

Being a kid, studying, get a job, get a wife, leave some kid, die. Ah! what a boring pattern.

I know you may say that’s the pattern but the events in each step make the life fun and I think you are right, but by saying that I want to point you to something else: “Quality”

My problem is about the quality of life, I’ve no problem with being a kid and then study, but how you spend your childhood and then how you study, which school and university and with how much support or when you want to get a job, what kind of job is it? Why you work? To live or just to stay alive?

I Believe when you reach the point that you just work to stay alive and enjoy nothing, that life is worthless and should be finished ASAP!

I don’t take life so hard, I don’t say if you don’t have an unlimited source of money go kill yourself but I say when EVERYTHING become against you, your life is useless and…

Now I’ve reached that point, I see no good in my life, not a 100% bad but mostly…

I’ve some good in my life like having a good mother and sister, like having good cyber friends but after that comes stuff that under their beneath all the goods in my life disappear, stuff that makes you give up your life and start flirting with suicide.

I don’t think it’s needed to go into details what make me feel that way as I said some of them before in older posts and you may know about some others by knowing me personally.

I know I won’t last more than 40 years old by all the health problem I have if my heart don’t give up any sooner under all the emotional/mental pressures, starting each day with 4 different essential meds and dealing with their effect whole day, good thing is that it will make my project easy, stop them or overdoes and POOF! Whatever! I want to say something else, I want to say if I’m going to have such a short life, what’s the point in fighting for it? 23 years of it is gone and rarely I enjoyed parts of it and now what I’ve ahead, all dark and by processing current situation we see that I will have no good in my future too,  so why hurt myself and not finish it a few sooner?

At most I will live 10-15 or 20 more years since today (if nothing unexpected happen and stop it sooner, Amen!) and I know I will not have any good in those years, the best and the best I have may be a very normal life (a basic income enough for not dying from hunger and enough to rent a small house) so what’s the point in keeping it? Does it really worth fighting?

Every morning that I wake up I say “Damn, again I woke up, I should live one more day”, why? because I’m even that wake that don’t dare to get rid of myself and I’m waiting something or someone else get my life, everyday when I see my favorites things and person I hate myself more that I cannot have them, everything when I go to bed I dream of my ideal life and then wish it will be last time I’m dreaming and it would finish.

When you are sad, moody, down or whatever, you don’t hurt only yourself, but you hurt others too, no matter how hard you try to hide it, they will find out and you will ruin their good day too, so stay away, I realized that myself when my classmates keep asking what’s wrong with me, so keep your problems for yourself, don’t hurt your friends with that.

Have a good life
-Omid

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