My life

This Depression is Great

They told me look at everything positive, so I’m gonna do it: “This Depression is Great!”

I believe many of the solutions advised by psychologist out there is kind of “fooling oneself” fooling and fooling, so many stupid things in a row to do best phantasy to make hell look beautiful for the person and make him believe everything is cool and be happy while he is in hell!, that’s the reason I never wanted meet one of them, they don’t know anything about your life and then they want to decide about your life and saying what’s right and what not.

Some people live in the world they are not invited to, they live and get old and die in the end, no! They don’t live, they stay alive for while, maybe 60-70 years, they are alive and they are not living, act of living is a mix of good and bad things together, not a dark world full of pain, spending a life in such world is not living, its staying alive.

What’s up with us? What are we doing? Where we are going? What we have done?

Really how many times you have think about point of your living? Why you are born, what you are supposed to do and what you have done and what you will do?, Have you had fair answer for that? Then lucky you!

After lots of thinking about that I got no positive answer about that, I was born, reached a special age and now what? Looking at my life logically will make you believe I’m in the group of those who are just alive and not living and don’t have a bright future.

I know if you have read my older posts and now reading this one you will say “AH! again Omid is saying these…..”. Yup, that’s what I hate, to be such a boring person or if not boring, being a pain for friends to take care of. I tried to finish it, worked on myself to end it up, but I weak, very weak, I could not, I could not end it up, even that I’m tired of myself I could not, I never could do any of the stuff I want to do, I could not end up my pain, I could not earn what I want, I could get one who I want, I could not show who I am, I could not do what I want. So how I can have a better view of my life?

I don’t want to lie anymore to anyone, so when I’m so down and people ask me “How are you?” I won’t answer I’m fine, but damn! I’m not going tell everyone in everything greeting Hey I’m dying inside!, so I just shut my mouth, how long? I don’t know! as long that I’m this way and as long I waste the oxygen on earth!

I’ve never been lucky in my life, yeah really, or maybe not and it was my weakness, I never could express what’s in my mind, what’s in my heart, who I am and what I want to say, I’ve never been free, Always I lost the battle against those who were less than me.

People who I loved always thought of me as a cold hearted and ignoring person when even seeing them happy or being with them in crowd make me happy, tech guys always thought of as an amateur when I bet I knew more than them just I had not equipment to show them who I am, Family always thought of as a stupid person but it was that my world is bigger than theirs and their closed mind cannot understand it and I believe I’m not wrong because I’ve seen real humans that believe me.

I’m tired of “proving” myself, How much fight, how much killing time, I want to live, I don’t want to just being alive, I want to live or die. I don’t have much hope in my future so second option look better, just need find a way for that…

8 thoughts on “This Depression is Great

  1. Omid, my friend,,,,,,,,,,,,there ARE no answers to your questions. NONE of us knows why we’re here, what we should do, where we are going, or what will happen to and for us. NONE of us has any more answers than you do. Everyone of us is doing just what you’re doing. We get up, and see what will happen this day. We try every day to find meaning in everything we do, and hopefully become known as a good reliable friend and person to those who just meet us. Circumstances DO have an impact on our lives, and who we become, but we don’t know all the circumstances until they show themselves to us. AND, we only get to see one piece of the puzzle each day. Every day is another piece for you to discover. Some of us don’t get to start out with the edges or corner pieces, so we have a tougher time, putting it all together. Sometimes, it may not SEEM like we’re better off looking at THIS side of the flowers, but believe me, we really are. If you happen to find some answers that I don’t have, please send them to me, cuz they might just fit in MY puzzle. Peace, my good friend.

  2. Dear Omid;  We are all existing and coping as best we can.  Please remember how young you really are and that most people haven’t accomplished much, if anything by that age.  If you are unhappy with your life, (and living where you do, that is certainly understandable), is there nothing you can do to improve it in some small way?  Perhaps try and find a job that pays more?  I don’t really know what else to say, but, my heart goes out to you and I wish I could be more help.  ((HUGS)) 

  3. Omid_ we are ALL _ dealt cards that we wish we could have passed up_  We are given life- we don”t choose who we are or who our parrents are- when we are born_ but we can choose to do something about what we do with Our lives- Its not that You are boring Or aren”t smart_ we lnow from MFF_ both of those are not true_look at what you have accompolished-
    You speak English at 23 & Before that age– many people I Know here in Fl, at 50_ don”t speak English_ they aren’t motivated enough to want to learn_ & you are learning German_ 🙂
    You have a Tech level of Computers & how to do & what to do_ more so than alot of people who have gone to school for that_ can you learn More_ sure_ hopefully we Never quit learning- any of us’
    do you have a sense of humor & personality_ yes_ wh have seen that also_
     well I see  three plus right there- w/out even trying to think of a plus for you-
    Are you disappointing your cyber friends – No_ disappoint is the wrong word_
    we want Better for You_ As you do_ we Just don”t know how to do It_ if we were Rich, we could fix it_ maybe_ but we are Only rich with friendship to you & want toos-
    i saw a young woman the other night at our local karoke  where I live_ she was in a wheelchair
    out on the dance floor_ laughing and keeping time to the music_ smiling- laughing_ I wondered  why she was in the wheelchair_ but she seemed so happy_ I have since seen her going down the sidwalk- crossing 4 lanes of traffic at the light_ whewwwww_
    anyway_ at the Karoke_ later she came by Me_ She had TWO Artificial Legs_ but Yet she was laughing and having a good time_ it made me feel so small- as earlier I had complained about My back hurts any more if I try to fast dance_ II’m Not comparing your problems with hers_ or anybodys_ Im just sayin_we don’t always know WHY we get the cards we do_ but try to use them to your best advantage_ like you are doing with the speech and the tech_ there is More in Life for U- Omid_ You Just haven”t found  ALL  of it yet——-  I know this doesn”t answer your question_ I have No answer for that– Nor anybody else_ just keep working toward a better life for your future- if it never happens – at least You can say you tried_ not that You gave up_ We on MFF would Miss U greatly if You wern”t in our lives_ & I don”t mean the tech part_ I mean you personally_ so Just think How Your Mother , Sarah & friends would feel_ 🙁 🙁   Bless U_ Omid- hugs

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