My Life in Music: Wake Up

This is how I start my day, everyday:

Korn – Wake Up Hate

Watch this video on YouTube.

We got a fucked up reason to live
who really gives a fuck?
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna fuck you up
I wanna break everything
I wanna make it sting
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna wake it up
You gotta get it straight
we’re gonna give it up
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna fuck you up
I wanna break everything
I wanna make it sting
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna wake it up

I am the burden of my everything,
an open scar
I’ll be reborn in hatred,
feeling I can’t love no more

I’ve had to suffer
I cannot wait for more.
No loving and no praying
All my hate is for the taking

We got a fucked up reason to live
who really gives a fuck?
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna fuck you up
I wanna break everything
I wanna make it sting
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna wake it up
You gotta get it straight
we’re gonna give it up
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna fuck you up
I wanna break everything
I wanna make it sting
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna wake it up

I am the falling of my happiness
it is no more
Stop loving, I’m still hating
till I can not hate no more

I’ve had to suffer
I cannot wait for more.
No loving and no praying
All my hate is for the taking

I’m, I am filthy
wasted piece of shit

I am disgusting
take me, away

We got a fucked up reason to live
who really gives a fuck?
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna fuck you up
I wanna break everything
I wanna make it sting
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna wake it up
You gotta get it straight
we’re gonna give it up
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna fuck you up
I wanna break everything
I wanna make it sting
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna wake it up
We got a fucked up reason to live
who really gives a fuck?
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna fuck you up
I wanna break everything
I wanna make it sting
we’re gonna wake up hate
we’re gonna wake it up

A day in my life

Ding diding diding ding… Mobile phone’s alarm wake me up, It’s 8 AM again and it’s not either Thursday or Friday otherwise he would let me sleep a bit more, with closed eyes I look for the mobile beside my bed to find it and stop the alarm, I pick it up and drag that red button to stop the alarm, let’s take a look what happened in the last 4-5 hours that I’ve been sleeping, any text message or email? Hmmm, nothing important as expected just some social networks notifications and promotional email and no text message, what do I expect this early when during the day I get nothing?

I sit in my bed, no move for a few moments, like a computer which when you turn on you have to wait for it to boot up!, then stand up and plug my phone to charger, these new fancy phones run out of battery quickly, God bless the old one I had, at most I had to charge it once a week!!

Head to the bathroom, really there are no better place for us to start our day in? hmm, spend a few minutes in there for stuff and then going in front of window, wash the face and hand and stare in mirror a few second and think about what you have to do today, after a few moments I realize these bothersome hair, so called beard, are living on my face again, so I pick the razor and go fight them, kill ‘em all! They had not paid their rent to live on my face… Done! Leave the bathroom and back to my room

It’s about 8:30, open and pick my everyday meds, there are 6, Levothyroxine Sodium 0.1 mg, Atenolol 100, Triamterene-H, Allopurinol 100 mg, Atorvastatin 10, Piracetam 800, pick one from each and go to kitchen, open refrigerator and take the milk and look at its date to see if its expired or not, no it’s ok, close the refrigerator , look for a bowl, throw in some cereal in and add milk to it, take 2 of my meds that are for “before breakfast” and then eat my breakfast, done! It’s about 8:40AM now, now that breakfast is done it’s time to take the other 4 pills.

Back to my room and change clothes, put on my jean, check my keys and wallet and player, Key ring and player in right pocket, mobile in left and wallet in back, carry the headphone wire from my back and connect it to my player and then put on my t-shirt, ready to go.

It’s 8:45 AM Insert the headphone in my ears and turn on the player and pick a good music to start the day with some good energy, a good metal one works, yeah “Wayne Static – Assassins Of Youth”, start walking to bus station, and wait for bus, in a few seconds I see the red bus come, open the doors and I go in, ah, no place to sit, no problem I stand in front of window, after about 30 minutes I leave the bus, It’s 9:15AM now, I go and buy the newspaper, nothing new to read in them but it has become kind of addiction to waste this money every morning.

Throw the newspaper in my bag and start walking to the store, I know it should not take more than 10 minutes if I go with my everyday speed, about 6Km/h, yeah I see same faces as I see this time of day every day.

It’s 9:30AM and I’m in front of the shopping center where our store is in, turn off the player and help my headphones to leave my ear and back under my shirt. Go up from stairs and stay in front of store, open the door and turn on the lights and sit and read the newspaper I bought, yeah as I expected nothing exciting.

After a few minutes, near 10:00AM phone begun ringing, one after one, some are customer and some are creditor, answer them all and wait for a good customer with a big bag of money and make me rich! He has never come and I don’t think if he will! Our neighbor co-workers come and open their store too, one has his launch in his bag and other one come with newspaper and some other come with empty hands, I still read the newspaper and answer their “Hello” without looking at them because they shoot their hello while running, they won’t notice if I had looked at them or not!

It’s about 10:15 and my father arrives too, he seems like on the run as always for nothing, he pick the phone and start making calls…

Well, life at store goes on and on until 12:00AM, time to back to home for me, today I must go to my language school, Goethe Institute, pick my money for today and welcome back the headphones to ear, turn on player and back to bus station to back home, while sitting in the bus I send a text message to my favorite classmate to see when she will come to the institute today, hoping she will say she will come soon!

It’s about 12:45-1:00PM, open the door and try to guess today’s launch by smelling it, headphones back under shirt! Seems Headphone position is most important thing in my life. After greeting mom and getting today’s news from her I ask for launch, while the table is getting ready for me I come to my room and take a look on Facebook and my emails to see what I’ve to response to until I hear my mom calling “come for launch” I eat the launch and back to room check my bag to see if I’ve everything for language class ready.

Ok, time to leave home again, it’s around 2:00AM and my class is one hour away from home and my class begins on 4:00 but I go one hour early to spend some time with my classmates, especially with special one!

I go to bus station again, go with the bus to same station that I went this morning, but this time I won’t go to store, I go to other side of street and go underground, to Metro.

It’s 2:30PM and I wait for Metro to arrive, it does not take so long for metro to arrive, and I go in and look for a good spot to stand, I should stand about 25 minutes in there so I need a good place! After about 25 minutes I leave the metro and back to the street, I’ve 5-6 Minutes walking ahead until I reach the institute.

It’s 3:00PM and I’m in there, I look around to see if there are any familiar face around, anyone that I know or any of my classmates or my special classmate, nope, I’m alone! None of them are here yet so I sit there and watching the door to see who comes in and who goes out, after about 5 minutes she comes, makes me smile and feeling better, after about 20-30 minutes some other come one by one too, until 4:00PM most of them are here and yeah, some other comes a bit late, they have their own reason!

At 4:00PM we go to school waiting for our teacher, she comes in 5 minutes and start, as always I’m sitting on first chair, I like being close to the teacher, my other friend sit next to me and she sit other side of class in front of me.

Hopping our teacher won’t start with homework because I don’t like to read my text but she did, but good thing she did not ask me to read my text, 2 other read their text and our teacher got our texts to check later. Class is good for first few minutes but after a half hour I feel like my head is becoming hot and so does my ears and eyes, class is not boring so what’s the problem? I don’t know, in the last few minutes of class clocks start ticking out way more slowly! But anyway it’s now 5:30PM and finish! We are free again!

Me, my friend and my special classmate get together going back home, we share same way for going back home, metro, so we 3 start walking to metro and talk about everything, we get to metro and metro start, after a few minutes first one leave, my special classmate and then after about 5 minutes the next one leave too, my other friend, he need to change the metro because he goes to west and I go to east and after 3 stations I leave the metro too, I need to change it, I change the metro and once my friend leave I turn on player and welcome headphones to my ear, I need a good hard rock song, “Korn – Falling Away From Me”. After about 20 Minutes I leave the metro. I can go the rest from here to home with taxi or go walking. Taxi will be just 4-5 minutes and walking about 25 minutes, I like the current playlist (Static-x) in my player so I will go walking, I don’t want to stop the song. I see same stores and people as I do every day here. Same people doing their everyday routine, I pick my phone and start calling some friends, saying hi to old friends once a week and talking to each of them a few minutes.

It’s about 7:35-7:40PM and I’m near home, go to store and buy milk for tomorrow morning, head against home and after about 5 minutes I’m home. Open the door and start guessing the dinner! I go in and say Hi to mom and sister; I don’t see my father’s shoes so he is not home yet, good.

I put the milk in refrigerator and go to my room, throw the bag beside my computer table and change clothes to be more free, go to bathroom to wash hands and face and cool down a bit, back to kitchen to see what’s left from launch before dinner get ready! Nothing, bummer, well a cup of coffee helps too.

Back to my room with coffee and open my laptop and see what’s going on cyber world, plug my mobile to charger and via laptop take a look at Facebook, emails, forums, my blog comments etc. and say Hi to my online friends in messenger while I listen music, now without headphones!

After wasting some time on these stuff after about 1-2 hours father comes home and that mean its dinner time! I wait for dinner table to get prepared and then leave my room for dinner, I go a bit careful, because father is there and I don’t want to suddenly start yet another fight, for some weird reason whenever we get close it happens!

Finish the dinner quickly and back to my room, change the playlist from metal songs to something easier, maybe ‘Kirsty Hawkshaw’ or ‘BT’, spend some more time on Facebook and other social networks and talk to friends on the web and then look at my homework from class, finish them by copying from their answers sheet and then back on the web, time to write some blog posts, whether my TechBlog or write something about my life, depending on how I feel, heck! I go writing of my life, writing how I feel at the moment, and trying to don’t care how others will judge me and when they read it, throw a those nonsense words in a post and click on that damned ‘publish’ button which will make my nonsense words public, I don’t care what happens, It’s my own blog and I will write what I want and not what please others.

I play a bit more with my blog and watching stats and comments and responses I get until I get sleepy or I feel it’s getting late and I’ve to sleep, usually it happens between 2:00-3:00AM.

Time to bed, so go brush teeth , back to laptop and say Good night to online friends, close the laptop living it turned on and go to bed, checking my phone if everything is ok. Leave it behind bed, and start thinking, remembering whole day, what I did, who I met, what who said, what I’ve done, what others do, where I will be when, thinking why I had no luck with one I loved and explain myself that I’m born to be alone, thinking how I can make my life better and explain myself there are no better for me, explaining myself I should find a way to get used to my current situation, thinking how I could do what I want and a lot more until I sleep, sleep and sleep until next morning, Ding diding diding ding…, yet another day begin.

Disappear from world

You know, suicide is one of the stuff that I’ve always given a thumb-up to, but every person in this small world has their own reason to stay away from that, one may love his/her life and see no reason for doing that, good for them!, one may afraid of death, one may don’t afraid of death and care about what happens after their death and…

Those people who think about “What happens after I do this” are same people who wish they could disappear from world, thinking wish they could left without having an effect on anyone else, Thinking “Can my mother take it?” or “How my sister will become after hearing this” etc. and the person think wish he/she could leave with his/her memory, clean everyone’s mind from his/her memory so everyone could forget there was such person in this world and then person could left without any memory, it’s about solving his/her own problem not throwing it at someone else, or solve their own problem and give a larger group lots of other problem like depression or ruining their life…

Really why we all are THIS much related to each other, every move from one should have effect on this much other people that even you don’t be able to decide about your own life or death, why we should not be able to control what other people keep about us in their mind?

What are we doing in this world? Are we born to satisfy others in their life or we should have some choice and allowed to live our own life too? How much we should care about others or how much others care about us?

Speak up

Say it even if they (whether it’s a he or she) don’t listen, even if you are afraid or even if you are too shy.

Stand up! Nobody’s dying to save you, Speak up! Nobody’s waiting to see you, Wake up! Nobody’s working to pay you…

Say it, say that you are dying to see her once again, say that you will do everything to see her again, say it that she is all you world but you are just ashamed to tell her about that, say that you cannot stop thinking about her but you don’t dare to say that, say it!

Yeah, go on and admit that you did not dare to speak up because you see yourself too poor, because you see no end in speaking up, in admitting those facts, you are honest but it has no use, you need much more than just ‘honesty’ to be brave and speak up!

Go on, be brave, brave brave brave! Don’t be rude, don’t be egotistical, don’t be selfish, but don’t be shy too, life is too short to make your shyness an excuse for wasting it. Don’t kill yourself inside, don’t let yourself burn inside, act up! If you got something positive then you have won and if you got what you did not wish, then at lease you know this is done.

Burning inside for what? Why you don’t act up? Why you don’t speak up? Not all people think of you as poor as you think about yourself, you are losing everyone around yourself for one who you won’t have, and why you won’t have; because you are shy, because you do not have enough self-confidence.

If you could balance ‘egotistical’ and ‘shyness’, ‘rudeness’ and ‘friendship’ then you are doing something right and hope in good.

I want, I don’t want

I never could understand those people that afraid everything and everyone, why people don’t live in a normal and easy world? Why take it so hard?

I’m talking of the moment when I respect a boy and he behaves defensive because he thinks I’m looking for his money…

I’m talking of the moment when I respect a man and he behaves defensive because he thinks I’m looking to use his position…

I’m talking of the moment when I respect a girl and he thinks I’m looking for her body…

No, Dear world! Dear folks! People are not same! Dear young man, if one tried to use your money it does not mean your next friend is same, dear gentleman! if one tried to use your position it’s not mean everyone in the world is like that, Dear girl, I don’t blame you for being careful but if one or two or maybe more if you are pretty one only tried to reach to your body by calling themselves your friend, it does not mean every single ‘male’ human is same.

I talk of myself, I’m an easy person, and all that I expect in a friendship is ‘trust’, me trusting you and you trusting me, that way I’m happy, as I said before, I don’t expect much from my friends so I’m way more happy that way. Maybe my close friends have noticed that I even rejected their volunteer helps to me, because I wanted them to stay my friends and don’t let ‘giving service’ to each other affect our friendship, to don’t let them think if I’m their friend for their money or their support or their body or whatever, I only want their friendship, their trust.

It really hurts when I feel I’ve been ignored or not being trusted, even in a situation like when someone needed help and did not ‘trust’ me ask for help, or when they wanted to talk about a very common every day stuff and did not ‘trust’ me for understanding them!; Maybe I should be happy saying Thanks God they did not bother me but no! I don’t think that way.

Open your eyes, this world is too dirty, but not all spot of it.

Unfortunately unforgettable sweet memories

I don’t know if I should be happy or sad, when I remember sweet and beautiful memories which were nice at the moment those days but now they are gone and remembering them hurts.

Yeah it’s kinda weird that why such good memories can hurt, people always look for having good time with good people but when time goes on remembering those good times can be hurting and so you wish you had not those good days to remember them later and hurt yourself, ‘unfortunately unforgettable sweet memories’.

The only thing I understand is what I feel, your forgotten memory and my everyday memories. What every time I sleep I think of, every time I dream I dream about. Where ever I go, whatever I do, everything has a memory of.

I never could understand how good memories can work for someone to make them happy years after, to me it’s something like feeling of losing, different than missing and therefore not a good feeling at all, when I remember those days I wish it never would happen and today I had no reason to…

Life goes on…

What are we doing to our planet?

This is a picture that ‘The New York Times’ shared today:

David and Arlan

David and Arlan Tackley inspect parched corn on a farm near El Dorado, Kan. The latest forecasts call for increasingly dry conditions over much of the nation’s breadbasket, which could lead to higher food prices. (Photo: Mashid Mohadjerin for The New York Times)

It made me thinking what we are doing to our planet? How much really we care and what we have done to save it?

Above picture is just a very very small sample of what’s happening with us (to me, this picture is sign of a bigger disaster, I don’t care about the prices here), we all know that something is wrong and we all can talk about it for a long time (so I’m not going into details) but really what we are doing in our everyday life for it? Let’s don’t blame anyone else other than ourselves.

I’m not saying don’t drive your car, I’m not saying turn-off your lights, I’m not saying don’t take bath everyday, I’m saying why we don’t put more effort on finding a better (cheaper and easier) solution for our old style cars to make them more environment friendly? Why we are not putting more effort on better ideas for Electric Power source that be cheaper and more environment friendly and so we don’t need to care for saving.

I for one claim that I’ve never done anything for that, what about you? What you are doing or what you have done? Or you too just care about your today?

Let’s think more about this, it’s not about saving Artic or Antarctic, it’s not about saving some rare animals, it’s about us all together, we all (environment, humans, animals) belong to each other and if only one of us get a problem others will too, so save the environment if you want to save your own life.