Does the silence get lonely?

Well I wish there was someone
Well I wish there was someone
To love me

When I used to be someone
And I knew there was someone
That loved me

As I sit here frozen alone
Even ghosts get tired and go home
As they crawl back under the stones

And I wish there was something
Please tell me there’s something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it, but I never can
it’s just saturated loneliness

Does the silence get lonely?
Does the silence get lonely?
Who knows?
I’ve been hearing it tell me
I’ve been hearing it tell me
Go home

Cause the freaks are playing tonight
They packed up and turned out the lights

And I wish there was something
Please tell me there’s something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it, but I never can
It’s just saturated loneliness

And the bath waters cold
And this life’s getting old

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
And I wish I could feel it
Abduct it, corrupt it
But I never can
I never can
Never Can
Never Can
Never Can

Korn – Tearjerker

KoRn – Tearjerker (unedited)

Watch this video on YouTube.

I don’t want to hear about flowers, I like death and destruction

I can’t stand to let them win, I’m just watching them, And I don’t know what to do, Feeling like a fool inside, Feeling all the hurt… Thought they were my friends. Never mind…

Let’s talk about something else, What super-power you wished in your life to have? I mean something like Time-travel, going invisible, mind-reading, unlimited body strength etc.., Mine is going invisible, always I wished I could be like that, going invisible and see so much things that I never can see and hear now. Going invisible and see what people say about me when I’m not there, going and invisible and then go into peoples life to see how much different they when they are alone in compare to when they are with us, going invisible and then go beyond the allowed borders to see what’s in the other side that we are not allowed to see, going invisible to get rid of all of the eyes watching me.

But no! That does not work for what I want, I want to know what people really think of me, always I wished I could find out when someone stay in front me what he is thinking at the moment, Why we cannot find that? When they are looking at me what’s going on their mind, when I’m talking to them what they are thinking of? What’s their view of me? If they like me what they like about me? If they dislike me what they dislike about me? When I’m talking to them, are they enjoying or I’m boring, So, I think I have to choose Mind-Reading! (Like all options are all available and I have to choose the one I want!)

Often I hear positive compliment when people are talking to me, messaging me, commenting etc.. but then I hear some other things from other ways that show people are not honest when talking to me, that’s just one reason I want above super-power, the other reason is that… umm… let’s say make myself a better person, at least in eyes of some special people to be happy with me.

So, What’s your favorite super-power? and why you wish that?

This Depression is Great

They told me look at everything positive, so I’m gonna do it: “This Depression is Great!”

I believe many of the solutions advised by psychologist out there is kind of “fooling oneself” fooling and fooling, so many stupid things in a row to do best phantasy to make hell look beautiful for the person and make him believe everything is cool and be happy while he is in hell!, that’s the reason I never wanted meet one of them, they don’t know anything about your life and then they want to decide about your life and saying what’s right and what not.

Some people live in the world they are not invited to, they live and get old and die in the end, no! They don’t live, they stay alive for while, maybe 60-70 years, they are alive and they are not living, act of living is a mix of good and bad things together, not a dark world full of pain, spending a life in such world is not living, its staying alive.

What’s up with us? What are we doing? Where we are going? What we have done?

Really how many times you have think about point of your living? Why you are born, what you are supposed to do and what you have done and what you will do?, Have you had fair answer for that? Then lucky you!

After lots of thinking about that I got no positive answer about that, I was born, reached a special age and now what? Looking at my life logically will make you believe I’m in the group of those who are just alive and not living and don’t have a bright future.

I know if you have read my older posts and now reading this one you will say “AH! again Omid is saying these…..”. Yup, that’s what I hate, to be such a boring person or if not boring, being a pain for friends to take care of. I tried to finish it, worked on myself to end it up, but I weak, very weak, I could not, I could not end it up, even that I’m tired of myself I could not, I never could do any of the stuff I want to do, I could not end up my pain, I could not earn what I want, I could get one who I want, I could not show who I am, I could not do what I want. So how I can have a better view of my life?

I don’t want to lie anymore to anyone, so when I’m so down and people ask me “How are you?” I won’t answer I’m fine, but damn! I’m not going tell everyone in everything greeting Hey I’m dying inside!, so I just shut my mouth, how long? I don’t know! as long that I’m this way and as long I waste the oxygen on earth!

I’ve never been lucky in my life, yeah really, or maybe not and it was my weakness, I never could express what’s in my mind, what’s in my heart, who I am and what I want to say, I’ve never been free, Always I lost the battle against those who were less than me.

People who I loved always thought of me as a cold hearted and ignoring person when even seeing them happy or being with them in crowd make me happy, tech guys always thought of as an amateur when I bet I knew more than them just I had not equipment to show them who I am, Family always thought of as a stupid person but it was that my world is bigger than theirs and their closed mind cannot understand it and I believe I’m not wrong because I’ve seen real humans that believe me.

I’m tired of “proving” myself, How much fight, how much killing time, I want to live, I don’t want to just being alive, I want to live or die. I don’t have much hope in my future so second option look better, just need find a way for that…

Sometimes hate is not enough

I don’t know where to begin, Let’s get help from my friends and start by answering them.

2 friends told me that I’m only talking of negative in my life and then asked me about positive things in my life, ok, that’s a fair question, but need some thinking to find if there are something positive.

Maybe I’m missing many stuff, but I can recall that I have good cyber friends in my life which seems they care about me and it’s a good thing, maybe not all of them are who they claim to be but I’ve some good friends between them. I have a kind mother and a sister, I have a father, even though I have some words about my family. I’ve never been left hungry like the kids in Africa or I’ve never been attacked physically by my family, these are good things, see…! I tried to see positive things in my life.

Ok, so what? Enough to reason to live? I don’t think so, I’ve stronger reason for denying that. Did you ever lost anything in you life? how matter it was for you? How many times you failed in your life? Passing more than half of your life with no good, having no hope for your future, fighting with yourself without any result, loosing all the chances in your life, becoming boring for your best friends, disappointing everyone, watching yourself going down, what’s this? I think accepting it is not wise, hurting self…

People try to help me, but it hurts me when I see how they show love and I disappoint them, I see my friend’s wife tell me that I’m their only friend and when I look at myself I see what a boring and useless friend they have, sad for those who I’m their only friend.

And when you want the best and you get the worst, when you want to be an idealist and your ideal get lower and lower, and when you imagine a bright future for yourself and you end up in… What’s that? Life? pfffff……………..

Marilyn Manson – No Reflection

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I don’t understand

A note before starting this post: I don’t mean to catch anyone’s attention with these posts I write, I just want to speak out what’s in my mind and hope someone who can understand me read it and answer it, one who really can see the world from same view I see…

I don’t understand why world is this way, why it does not show us a good way and why live if everything is fucked up?

Let me first ask a question: What’s the point of living?

Being a kid, studying, get a job, get a wife, leave some kid, die. Ah! what a boring pattern.

I know you may say that’s the pattern but the events in each step make the life fun and I think you are right, but by saying that I want to point you to something else: “Quality”

My problem is about the quality of life, I’ve no problem with being a kid and then study, but how you spend your childhood and then how you study, which school and university and with how much support or when you want to get a job, what kind of job is it? Why you work? To live or just to stay alive?

I Believe when you reach the point that you just work to stay alive and enjoy nothing, that life is worthless and should be finished ASAP!

I don’t take life so hard, I don’t say if you don’t have an unlimited source of money go kill yourself but I say when EVERYTHING become against you, your life is useless and…

Now I’ve reached that point, I see no good in my life, not a 100% bad but mostly…

I’ve some good in my life like having a good mother and sister, like having good cyber friends but after that comes stuff that under their beneath all the goods in my life disappear, stuff that makes you give up your life and start flirting with suicide.

I don’t think it’s needed to go into details what make me feel that way as I said some of them before in older posts and you may know about some others by knowing me personally.

I know I won’t last more than 40 years old by all the health problem I have if my heart don’t give up any sooner under all the emotional/mental pressures, starting each day with 4 different essential meds and dealing with their effect whole day, good thing is that it will make my project easy, stop them or overdoes and POOF! Whatever! I want to say something else, I want to say if I’m going to have such a short life, what’s the point in fighting for it? 23 years of it is gone and rarely I enjoyed parts of it and now what I’ve ahead, all dark and by processing current situation we see that I will have no good in my future too,  so why hurt myself and not finish it a few sooner?

At most I will live 10-15 or 20 more years since today (if nothing unexpected happen and stop it sooner, Amen!) and I know I will not have any good in those years, the best and the best I have may be a very normal life (a basic income enough for not dying from hunger and enough to rent a small house) so what’s the point in keeping it? Does it really worth fighting?

Every morning that I wake up I say “Damn, again I woke up, I should live one more day”, why? because I’m even that wake that don’t dare to get rid of myself and I’m waiting something or someone else get my life, everyday when I see my favorites things and person I hate myself more that I cannot have them, everything when I go to bed I dream of my ideal life and then wish it will be last time I’m dreaming and it would finish.

When you are sad, moody, down or whatever, you don’t hurt only yourself, but you hurt others too, no matter how hard you try to hide it, they will find out and you will ruin their good day too, so stay away, I realized that myself when my classmates keep asking what’s wrong with me, so keep your problems for yourself, don’t hurt your friends with that.

Have a good life
-Omid

I want to say something

I want to say something but I don’t know what, I want to talk, I want to speak but to no one, I want to express myself but no word is capable of doing that, I want to say whatever that comes to my mind but no ear can listen, I know there are people who are willing to help and offer me to listen to me but…

Does everyone have to listen to my complains? Complaining about everything and everyone, Do they have to listen to my words when you realize those are absolute nonsense, Yeah really nonsense because there are no thinking behind those words, those are just something to be said…

I am (or at least I’ve been, but I am) one who don’t care about gender of my friends, boys and girls are same for me, I don’t care about their age, even in some case I prefer old ones to youngers since old people most of the times are more wise, I am kind of person who don’t care how reach or poor is my friend, I just care about their culture and how they behave, I care about their manners, but after-all it seems I did something wrong here as I realized that after 23 years living on this earth I’ve only 1-2 friends (out of cyber) who care about my existence and my dead of alive may have some difference for him.

Often people ask me why I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t know why it matters for them but here I will try to answer them. In fact I do NOT hate girls, I like them, they are beautiful and sometimes kind, and a better ear and shoulder for some special topics where no boy can help, a good girl can color-up a life very well and help you in emotional moments, but… there are an important BUT here, a bad girl (or even just a not good one) can ruin your life worse than a Nuke!

As stated above, boys and girls are same for me when it comes to a friendship and I never avoided a friendship because that person is a girl or boy, or being ‘nicer’ to one because of the gender, and I never tried to start a connection to a one because she is a girl (and often I don’t do for boys too), I’ve my own life and I let the friendships to happen all by sudden. In my life I’ve seen girls that I deadly liked and dreamed how awesome it could be if she was mine but I never went ahead because I had nothing that match them so our friendship would be waste of time for her and I did not want it for her.

Don’t call me selfish, but in a friendship I look for ‘benefits’ too, not economic and I even avoid that my friendship cost anything for anyone, but I expect at least one good in that friendship, either boy or girl friend, one friend has good for education, one help with life events, one help have a good time, one is good at helping manage emotional moments, one is a good co-worker one is good at special skills like medicine or mechanic etc… and I don’t like those that just waste our time and money, Is that selfish?

Over the last 4-5 years I heard another thing about myself from people and it was that they complain I’m a very low-profile person and my life is a mystery for them, here I say they are wrong indeed, I don’t hide much about my life, if I’ve nothing to say its not that I’m hiding anything, its that my life is very simple, every day is same and not much ‘event’ to talk about.

 

I think that’s enough for now, Will write much more later in next post(s).

 

Have a good times!
-Omid